Take Me Back

I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Take me back to the night we met.

     -these are lyrics from a song by Lord Huron and I'd like to relate this with my older self. Another year went by, marking the end of a decade, and today, on the last day of 2019 I'd like to reflect on the recent past.

This year has been quite a significant year if we look back at the events that took place: starting from India's first openly gay athlete Dutee Chand to having the first images of the black hole being taken. The list of events is long and so I shall not talk about each and every one of them.

The last day of a year means feeling a bit tad nostalgic. And I can't help it. A decade gone by and all I feel right now, at this moment, is happiness, gratitude and content. Tomorrow is unknown and I can do little but hope and little hope goes a long way. I was a completely different person  when this year began; anxious, stressed, and unstable. But now, I've evolved. I have become a better person (no the stress hasn't left me, relax), I have become more thoughtful, considerate, kind, adjusting and sensitive towards other people and I am thankful for all of those. This year did not begin well, but it is ending well. And most importantly I am happy.

Enough about me. Why did I speak so much about my self-improvement? Because I want you to reminisce over the past days and look how far you have come. You may not be where you wanted to be, but you have made progress and some progress is always better than no progress at all. Give some credit to yourself and try to be happy.

I still do not know why I decided to write such useless rant on year-end; I guess I just wanted to write something on the last day of the decade.

I would end it with Take Me Back, but no, I think I am just fine where I am.

Grey

Sometimes it is not either black or white; sometimes it is grey.

We come across a zillion situations in our life and each of them is unique. We tend to compare situations: be it with somebody else with a similar problem or somebody else with a similar past situation. But, while doing this we often forget that comparing people or situations does not solve the problem, but sometimes it may belittle the current situation you are dealing with. 

We talk about life imprisonment and death sentence like they're our neighbours and we're gossiping about them. While discussing the same, some might say that killing a person is immoral and that life imprisonment kills you gradually, but if so, then aren't both becoming similar? Comparable? No. Because sometimes it is not either black or white; sometimes it is grey. Not every answer can be answered in yes or no, some are neither.

The example I just gave was a serious one. Let us take instances from our daily life. Remember that friend whose personal life you were keenly interested in? That friend who seemingly had the perfect partner and everybody thought that they were "dating"? Let us talk about that. Neither of them accepted that they were "dating" and neither of the two could explain their current situation to their friends. So we just assumed that they were the "perfect power couple " and compared our personal lives with theirs and ended up being sad for the next two hours.

How many of us will readily accept that at some point of our lives we have done this? So, the answer to all of those questions is: First, stop comparing. Second, stop assuming things you know nothing about. Third, cut yourself some slack, you'll be fine too. The reason why the aforementioned partners cannot explain their 'lovelife' to others is maybe because it's not that simple; every relationship does not have a tag and neither does it need one. If you have clarity in your thoughts and no doubts in your mind, then how does it matter what you say to others about your personal life? Because sometimes it is not a friends-or-lovers situation. You may share a bond with someone which is too special and unique to be given a staple name. That just reminded me of the hundred words that our generation has for describing various kinds of relationships and you may think that those 'terms' simplify things but no, they only complicate things in the long run.

So, what I wanted to say is that, everytime you need not choose between two solid options. It is not always East or West; it can be a fusion too. So, if you don't know whether it is black or white, choose

Grey.

Afternoons

This afternoon I'm listening to La Vie en Rose, yesterday afternoon I was daydreaming about good times. Who knows what I'll be doing tomorrow afternoon. Let this sink in.

Right now I'm feeling at peace; at peace with myself and I am content. I am content about this moment, about what and who I have in my life. I do not know what life holds in store for me in future, though I am always apprehensive about it. I am ready to accept whatever comes at this moment. Tomorrow I have an exam to take but I am not stressed about it right at this moment. This is a very rare moment, when I'm this calm. Let me enjoy this, live this moment. 

Calm. Serene. Peace. Content. Soulful. Beautiful.

She is free, she is shy. She is confident, yet she is insecure. She doesn't know how special she is, she thinks she is regular. She is precious. She thinks and cares about everyone close to her, but forgets to care about her own self. She treats people like they are gold, but she doesn't know that she is diamond. Not an ordinary diamond, but a rare blue diamond set amongst white diamonds, strung together by deep sea pearls. She doesn't know what she is worth. She doesn't know how powerful she is. Cut at the perfect edges, shining, reflecting beauty everywhere. But she just does not realise.

She is beautiful. 

I'm not trying to make a point here, I'm just writing out, expressing my feelings, and I believe we should do that from time to time.

To more such afternoons...

On Your Own

Buckle up, because you are on your own.

Since the last few days I was going through a bad time. My anxiety had fired up, I had breakdowns at school, at home. I worried about petty things, and behaved and thought like a paranoid person. I questioned my behaviour, got no answers. I slept more, was tired most of the time from all of that thinking. I had frequent head aches, fatiqueness. I am better today. 

Yesterday I had a talk with a person, a teacher, who, I was sure, could help me out. Well, she did. It is obvious that I broke down in front of her as soon as I began speaking of my issues. She told quite a few important things to me and some of them should be noted down, really.

•  Be your own favourite.
•  Focus on what you like, but don't pressurise yourself.
•  Don't be too harsh on yourself. Lower down your expectations. 
•  It is okay to be average.
•  Focus on your own art, does not matter whether people like what you create. Be an artist for your own self.
•  You have get yourself out of your complexities because only you can do that.
•  Don't stress about it too much because all of this anxiety will make no sense when you look back upon this time a few years from now.

I know that these are very obvious things that probably most of us know already. I read such motivational stuff all the time and I knew these before yesterday too, but trust me it felt so much better when someone said it out loud enough for me to 'listen'. 

So, be selfish. Focus on your own good. Because you can love others only when you love yourself enough. 

'Solo ride till I die, because I have got myself for life'.

Be on your own, you'll be happy.

🌼

Things

What do you do when you don't have a beautiful present? When you overthink, stressing your mind out? You dwell on memories.

Being a person who overthinks and is told repeatedly not to think so much, I spend a considerable amount of time procrastinating. Memories are important to me just like they are to any other person. But, I dwell on them, and feel nostalgic. Nostalgia makes your past look more glorious than it actually is; nostalgia exaggerates. It makes my happy times seem excessively exuberant and my sad times mournful. Such memories make me happy and they make me sad. They make me cry and they make me smile unconsciously.

Every person who knows you has a different image of you; different perspectives, different perceptions. In the same way you do too. You have an image of every person you meet and that image may or may not resemble the person in reality and you might end up liking that image more than the real person.

Just keep your eyes open, that is all.

(What I began with and what I ended with have so little resemblance (sighs). Bye for now).

A Tinkle

A tinkle of the dream catcher, sunlight breaking in through the meshes of its croquet work; the wind turning the pages of the book I was reading. 

A tinkle of the windchime, wind gliding in through the window; a fresh breath.

Breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat. Slowly, no hurry; you'll make it till the end. 

That is how I need to talk to myself to calm down my thoughts. 

It is not easy, controlling your mind when you're always in a dilemma. Are you thinking or are you overthinking? Are you wondering about something or just procrastinating? Are you planning your future or just tricking yourself into believing something that's probably not going to happen? Being an overthinker in a busy world can be tough. Sometimes you don't even know whether it is actually a problem or it's just the fancies of your mind. Sometimes, you have no idea about what you are thinking about, but somehow, you are worried. No, it does not take words from someone else to trouble you; your mind does that well enough. While being imaginative is your boon, being an overthinker is its evil counterpart.

It takes just a tinkle of an anklet to make me happy and just a tinkle of my thoughts to make me anxious.

Shot a glance at the sky, a beautiful blue it was. A scenery. 

I was just visiting this place, in my mind.

And that's when I heard it.

A tinkle.

Is it Gone?

(I've been very lousy the last few months; sorry.)

'Love is but the recognition of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.' Is that so?

Right now a song that's playing in my mind is: 

How could a heart like yours,

Ever love a heart like mine.

How could I live before....( and so it goes). This is a song from the movie 'If I Stay', one of those movies which I'd like to watch again and again. 

 

We're all searching for something, aren't we? But what is it? What is it that is going to fill the void that makes us feel empty sometimes? Is it love? Some think it is love and hence start looking for it. Dating. Not a new term. But a trend among youngsters. Some people 'date' because they like that person, some do so because they're somewhat lonely, while some others do that just in case they find their soulmate. But something is going wrong here...

 

We want more temporary things than permanent ones. The same applies to people too.

We might dream of a beautiful relationship with a person who is going to be there for us no matter what happens. Someone who is going to value us, someone to wake up to every morning and still feel the same love as the first day. But though we wish for such promising relationships, we don't behave the way we ought to. Don't get me wrong, but the truth is we are doing exactly the opposite of what it takes to have such love in our lives. How can we ever know whether we love someone if we don't stay with them for long enough? If we want such love we should also be able to give such love. Some might say, " How am I supposed to find 'the one' for me if I don't date till I know?" If you search for it, you shall never find love. 

Do soulmates really exist? I had once read in an article in a newspaper which said that when we talk about the soul we are talking about something infinite and something so vast does not need a mate to complete itself. So, if you are searching for your soulmate, you may never find him/her. 

'When it's right, it's simple and easy..' 

This is true. When it is meant to be with something it is going to happen, no matter the circumstances. And when I say that I don't mean that it's going to happen on its own. You need to try to make it work.

You don't need Romedy Movies to feel love and be emotional about it. Look around yourself, you'll see many such lives which could be made into movies and on which books could be written. I know people who are just a few years elder to me and are in a relationship that has survived for years, through hurdles and hardships. I have seniors who have always had that one boyfriend whom they've been with for years. I don't know about others but I think being in love with someone for years  and getting married to them is one of the most wonderful things that can happen to a person, but it doesn't happen to all. 

Such commitment, trust, faith, love, is hard to find.

Is it gone?

[When I write I write not just for people to read, but for myself to understand too. As I post this, I'm not just letting others know about my point of view but also teaching myself a few things. This  is a constant battle inside me, with two voices saying two contradictory ideas. It's Me against ME. ]