On Your Own

Buckle up, because you are on your own.

Since the last few days I was going through a bad time. My anxiety had fired up, I had breakdowns at school, at home. I worried about petty things, and behaved and thought like a paranoid person. I questioned my behaviour, got no answers. I slept more, was tired most of the time from all of that thinking. I had frequent head aches, fatiqueness. I am better today. 

Yesterday I had a talk with a person, a teacher, who, I was sure, could help me out. Well, she did. It is obvious that I broke down in front of her as soon as I began speaking of my issues. She told quite a few important things to me and some of them should be noted down, really.

•  Be your own favourite.
•  Focus on what you like, but don't pressurise yourself.
•  Don't be too harsh on yourself. Lower down your expectations. 
•  It is okay to be average.
•  Focus on your own art, does not matter whether people like what you create. Be an artist for your own self.
•  You have get yourself out of your complexities because only you can do that.
•  Don't stress about it too much because all of this anxiety will make no sense when you look back upon this time a few years from now.

I know that these are very obvious things that probably most of us know already. I read such motivational stuff all the time and I knew these before yesterday too, but trust me it felt so much better when someone said it out loud enough for me to 'listen'. 

So, be selfish. Focus on your own good. Because you can love others only when you love yourself enough. 

'Solo ride till I die, because I have got myself for life'.

Be on your own, you'll be happy.

🌼

Things

What do you do when you don't have a beautiful present? When you overthink, stressing your mind out? You dwell on memories.

Being a person who overthinks and is told repeatedly not to think so much, I spend a considerable amount of time procrastinating. Memories are important to me just like they are to any other person. But, I dwell on them, and feel nostalgic. Nostalgia makes your past look more glorious than it actually is; nostalgia exaggerates. It makes my happy times seem excessively exuberant and my sad times mournful. Such memories make me happy and they make me sad. They make me cry and they make me smile unconsciously.

Every person who knows you has a different image of you; different perspectives, different perceptions. In the same way you do too. You have an image of every person you meet and that image may or may not resemble the person in reality and you might end up liking that image more than the real person.

Just keep your eyes open, that is all.

(What I began with and what I ended with have so little resemblance (sighs). Bye for now).

A Tinkle

A tinkle of the dream catcher, sunlight breaking in through the meshes of its croquet work; the wind turning the pages of the book I was reading. 

A tinkle of the windchime, wind gliding in through the window; a fresh breath.

Breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Repeat. Slowly, no hurry; you'll make it till the end. 

That is how I need to talk to myself to calm down my thoughts. 

It is not easy, controlling your mind when you're always in a dilemma. Are you thinking or are you overthinking? Are you wondering about something or just procrastinating? Are you planning your future or just tricking yourself into believing something that's probably not going to happen? Being an overthinker in a busy world can be tough. Sometimes you don't even know whether it is actually a problem or it's just the fancies of your mind. Sometimes, you have no idea about what you are thinking about, but somehow, you are worried. No, it does not take words from someone else to trouble you; your mind does that well enough. While being imaginative is your boon, being an overthinker is its evil counterpart.

It takes just a tinkle of an anklet to make me happy and just a tinkle of my thoughts to make me anxious.

Shot a glance at the sky, a beautiful blue it was. A scenery. 

I was just visiting this place, in my mind.

And that's when I heard it.

A tinkle.

Is it Gone?

(I've been very lousy the last few months; sorry.)

'Love is but the recognition of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.' Is that so?

Right now a song that's playing in my mind is: 

How could a heart like yours,

Ever love a heart like mine.

How could I live before....( and so it goes). This is a song from the movie 'If I Stay', one of those movies which I'd like to watch again and again. 

 

We're all searching for something, aren't we? But what is it? What is it that is going to fill the void that makes us feel empty sometimes? Is it love? Some think it is love and hence start looking for it. Dating. Not a new term. But a trend among youngsters. Some people 'date' because they like that person, some do so because they're somewhat lonely, while some others do that just in case they find their soulmate. But something is going wrong here...

 

We want more temporary things than permanent ones. The same applies to people too.

We might dream of a beautiful relationship with a person who is going to be there for us no matter what happens. Someone who is going to value us, someone to wake up to every morning and still feel the same love as the first day. But though we wish for such promising relationships, we don't behave the way we ought to. Don't get me wrong, but the truth is we are doing exactly the opposite of what it takes to have such love in our lives. How can we ever know whether we love someone if we don't stay with them for long enough? If we want such love we should also be able to give such love. Some might say, " How am I supposed to find 'the one' for me if I don't date till I know?" If you search for it, you shall never find love. 

Do soulmates really exist? I had once read in an article in a newspaper which said that when we talk about the soul we are talking about something infinite and something so vast does not need a mate to complete itself. So, if you are searching for your soulmate, you may never find him/her. 

'When it's right, it's simple and easy..' 

This is true. When it is meant to be with something it is going to happen, no matter the circumstances. And when I say that I don't mean that it's going to happen on its own. You need to try to make it work.

You don't need Romedy Movies to feel love and be emotional about it. Look around yourself, you'll see many such lives which could be made into movies and on which books could be written. I know people who are just a few years elder to me and are in a relationship that has survived for years, through hurdles and hardships. I have seniors who have always had that one boyfriend whom they've been with for years. I don't know about others but I think being in love with someone for years  and getting married to them is one of the most wonderful things that can happen to a person, but it doesn't happen to all. 

Such commitment, trust, faith, love, is hard to find.

Is it gone?

[When I write I write not just for people to read, but for myself to understand too. As I post this, I'm not just letting others know about my point of view but also teaching myself a few things. This  is a constant battle inside me, with two voices saying two contradictory ideas. It's Me against ME. ]

June's Evening

June loved cycling. In the evenings , whenever she did not have her tuitions, she took her cycle out of the garage, dusted it and set out. She spent most of her spare evenings like that. Sometimes she took Sooji, her one year old Golden Retriever with her, and as she cycled, Sooji ran alongside her. Though she was a happy and jolly soul, June had one disability: she could not speak.

On one such evening, when June and Sooji were enjoying the evening sun, they took a new route; June hadn't been there before. The street was nice - trees on both sides at frequent intervals, flower bushels, nicely coloured houses, and after a few turns she reached a ground. The scenery was one so simple yet so special. The ground was moderately big, with mahua and neem trees on one side, nice benches under them, two other sides were lined with houses and another side was open with bushes and a few flower shrubs. June parked her cycle and went and sat on one of the benches; Sooji followed her. As she sat she could behold the sunset right in front of her -- it was beautiful. The sky was a smooth gradation of blue, white, yellow, orange, pink and a bit of violet, with a vermilion sun. Sooji sat right at her feet and June brushed her hair gently. The place had its own beauty but it was deserted. She took out her earphones and plugged them in; Ed Sheeran was about to play. That was when she heard the sound of rustling leaves and a sudden fall. She got up to see who it was and she saw a boy, who seemed to be the same age as her. She helped him get up and that was when she realised that he was blind. She helped him to a seat. Sooji barked twice. He began," Hey, I'm Saavan and by now you must have realised that I can't see. True, but I've very sharp ears (laughs up a little). Why aren't you saying anything, huh? I live two streets away from this ground. I had a fight with my mother, so, angry I came here; took me a lot of effort though!" June listened silently, looking at him all the while. Sooji lied down. 

The sun had set already. Saavan stopped talking. June understood that to get him talking again, she had to do something, but what? She couldn't speak and he couldn't see her symbols to interpret them. She shared her earphones with him. It played 'Perfect Strangers' by Jonas Blue. Even autoplay can sense the atmosphere sometimes. 

We share because we care. June shared her earphones with Saavan because she cared enough to have a conversation with him. Sometimes, a small gesture like this means more than words can. And, if you really care for someone, share your time with them.

Random Thoughts

People and feelings.

Sometimes it amazes me how different the life of everyone is. Somewhere some girl is waiting for her distant love and somewhere some boy is writing songs to express his love for another girl. Somewhere a husband is frustrated with his life because of a failing marriage whereas somewhere a maiden is waiting for her long lost love in the bar they had first met. A woman who is completely in love with her assistant and some other boy who simply cannot forget his insane ex-girlfriend. These are instances from daily life- some of which were made into movies, some have been written down as books, few as poems, some others have become tales and some more have gone unnoticed. All of them are different stories yet one thing is common in them: human feelings.

Love: a word whose meaning no one can really explain because it is a mystery. Love cannot be told or explained, it can be felt. A silent but beautiful sunset that you enjoyed with your head rested on your lover's shoulder; something that you not only saw, but felt. Love is something like that; cannot be seen, but can be felt. You can see the agony in ones eyes by just looking at the tears collecting at its corners: the pain that stirs up her heart whenever she thinks about him. You can see her pain but not feel it. 

Today I had gone to a place with a beautiful scenery around it and I had a very nice time amongst trees, the river, sands, kashphul, and the evening sun, all of which need with a beautiful sunset. While returning I was listening to a few songs like:

                            তুমি আসবে বলে তাই

 আমি স্বপ্ন দেখে যাই

 আর একটা করে দিন চলে যায়।

(Days are numbering out as I have been having dreams because you are going to return)

This song has always meant a lot to me. Another one is:

এটা কি 2441139

বেলা রোস  তুমি শুনতে পাচ্ছ কি

মিটার যাচ্ছে বেড়ে এই পাবলিক টেলিফোনে 

জরুরী খুব জরুরী দরকার।

(Is this 2441139? Can you hear me Bela Bose? The meter of this public telephone is increasing, it's urgent for me to talk to you. )

Even this song has a story to tell.

What's the point of all this? Nothing.

These were things that just came up in my mind.

Random thoughts.

Disappointments

The last post on my blog was on the tenth of February and today is the eleventh of April. So it is quite clear that I've practically ignored my blog for two long months. But to be honest, these two months have been the shortest ones ever. Say why? Because most of the time has gone in preparing for the exams and after that practically I have not been at home for most of the time. Sorry Blogspot, I have ignored you.

Meanwhile I had gone for a Short trip in North Bengal and it was quite good and refreshing. North Bengal is mostly nature. There were rivers, hills, forests and jungle safaris. I enjoyed it pretty well. I am a nature person so I liked being amidst nature. I shall say more about my trip to Dooars in another writing.

Yes. Disappointments. I am disappointed about so many things right now. Firstly,  about growing up. I am not liking it. I don't like the way I am going up and now I have to act responsibly. I cannot be careless as I used to be. Now I cannot sit on Mum's lap. I cannot roam around sitting on Daddy's shoulders and I cannot afford to waste time. Today in the evening before the rain came down, I was sitting in my balcony and watching the children at play and a rush of nostalgia brushed past me. Childhood memories became alive. I was back to those days when I used to play around, and bicycle around in that big playground. For me it is not just a playground but a place with uncountable memories. I have learnt how to ride a bicycle in in that place. I have learnt to run and to make friends in that place. When I was a little girl, my mother used to take me there and then as I grew up I used to spend all of my evenings there. I miss those days. You might have a question that why don't I go there now? Trust me I do; the difference is now I don't play around like I used to before because most of the time I don't have company.

Things are changing very fast- first the end of class ten, then the board exams.,then the short trip and then admission to a new school. All of this ended so fast! But the good thing is that things are happening mostly according to plan, leave apart a few. And, I am learning to trust my instincts. Soon classes are going to begin, tuitions already have, and then I'll be busy again. Sad thing. So, I'm trying to do all the meet-ups now: meeting up with friends who'll be going to other states for studying, meeting relatives, and also teachers. Who knows when I'll be free again? Already tutors, parents and seniors have scared me enough about the ocean-like syllabus.

I was supposed to talk about disappointments, but you see I've gone quite off-track. Apologies!

Another thing: I just saw the books of class five ICSE students and I was gaping at the syllabus. They have cut short almost every detail that we had studies and yes, history geography and civics have been clubbed into a single book, just like CBSE.(Though most of you know this already, this was for those few who didn't).

And the one above was another disappointment. Alas!